A Father´s Love
by lia-finn
Summary: Inside her womb, the child of Sarah MacKenzie and Harmon Rabb grows and prepares to be born. Born to a mother's love, and to a father who may not be there. HarmMac
1. Default Chapter

Title: A Father´s Love  
  
Author: Lia  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Classification: R  
  
Pairing: Harm/Mac (character death, sort of)  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Summary: Inside her womb, the child of Sarah MacKenzie and Harmon Rabb grows and prepares to be born. Born to a mother's love, and to a father who may not be there.  
  
Disclaimers: Belongs to Donald P. Bellisario, Belisarius Production and CBS. No infringement is intended. No money is being made with this.  
  
Author´s Note: Thank you Pat for beta. English is not my first language, and even Pat did a great job, all the mistakes are mine. Feedback is much wanted and very much appreciated. Hope you enjoy this one, it came into my mind and didn´t leave me alone until it was finished.  
  
Dedicated to my best friend, Dee. Because she inspires me to write angst.  
  
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It was still early, the morning sun only just beginning to rise into the clear blue sky. She walked down to the beach, feeling the warm rays of the sun on her face. The silky sand under her bare feet felt cool after the night as she strolled along the shoreline.  
  
She reached to push a lock of overgrown hair back from her eyes, only to let it fall back to frame her face as the warm morning breeze danced around her. Over the months she had spent there, the golden rays of the sun had given her copper hair a lighter colour, her skin became beautifully tanned in the hours she had spent outside.  
  
She loved that beach. She loved the ocean that reminded her of him.  
  
Through the thin fabric of her white summer dress she felt a kick against her hand, and she couldn´t hold back a soft, happy sigh. She felt her heart filling with love for the unborn child.  
  
Waves crashed softly against the shore, reaching to wet her feet every now and then, but she didn´t back away. A small, white shell drifted on her feet. She followed it with her gaze until the waves took it away from her, slowly, back to the ocean.  
  
She felt his presence before his strong arms circled her waist, hands coming to rest against the swollen belly. A soft sigh escaped her lips and she leaned her back against his chest.  
  
"You came." She spoke softly.  
  
"I said I would."  
  
She smiled happily, never doubting his words. For a long moment they stood like that, staring out to the horizon. The only sound around them was the ocean, and the seagulls up into the sky.  
  
After a moment, she finally pulled away from his embrace and turned to look at him. He smiled at her, that smile she loved so much. She offered him a soft smile in return, but he saw the shimmering tears in her eyes. And she fought against them, she really did. She was so tired of crying.  
  
His face became serious as he watched the first tear of many rolling down on her cheeks. And she let them fall. "I can´t do this." Her whisper came out as a desperate sob, and she wanted him to reach and take her into his arms. But she knew he wouldn´t. Couldn´t.  
  
"Yes you can." He said softly.  
  
"I can´t do this alone. I need you."  
  
"You are not alone, Sarah. You have mom and Frank, you have Bud and Harriet, the admiral. And you have me."  
  
"But I don´t have you." Her eyes were filled with sadness, desperation. "I miss you so much. I miss your arms around me. I miss you next to me when I go to sleep and when I wake up. I miss everything about you. I miss you so much that sometimes I can´t breath."  
  
"I will always be there for you."  
  
"That´s not enough."  
  
She covered her face with her hand, not ashamed, but tired, exhausted. The baby inside of her kicked again, and she laid a calming hand on her stomach. He stood before her, watching silently as she finally took a deep breath and brushed the tears away. She looked up to him, and he smiled, a small, sad smile that told her he was sorry.  
  
And she wanted to tell him it wasn´t his fault. But it was. And she blamed him.  
  
She felt a soft breeze around them, and she looked at him panicking. "No." She whispered. "No, don´t. You only just came."  
  
His hand rose to touch her face, and if he had been alive, she could have felt the warmth of it as he caressed her cheek. But she felt nothing.  
  
He was still standing in front of her, bare feet, his white shirt and white pants flapping silently in the wind. He was not real, not to anyone but her. Since the day she had walked along the shoreline for the first time.  
  
"Please don´t go." She pleaded.  
  
"I´ll be back." He promised, like everyday before that. And just before he slowly disappeared with the wind, he leaned to her, and she could almost feel the warmth of his lips on hers again.  
  
Sometimes she felt him, when he appeared to her. She felt his arms around her, but his body was not warm, his heart was not beating, but she took everything she was given, and it had to be enough.  
  
End of Part 1 


	2. Part 2

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He had been missing for seven months. The mission, simple and easy, had gone horribly wrong and his plane had went down in unfriendly territory. It had been a routine flight, she had been told to. How wrong they had been.  
  
She blamed him. As unfair as it was, she blamed him for that. She hated him for that. He never had to been up in that plane. But he loved flying. How could she have had asked him not to go? It had been only a routine flight. And he had promised to come back for her, and the baby.  
  
But he never came back.  
  
She was put in the helicopter later that night. Strong arms of the flight crew pulling her up, strapping her in her seat. She had no memory of the flight back home.  
  
She had not cried. Not until weeks later when she was curled in her bed, alone, and finally understanding, accepting that he might not come home. Ever. She had cried heart breaking, desperately, until she had no more tears left, and she had fallen into a nightmare filled sleep.  
  
It had taken a long time for those who loved her, cared for her, to convince her to go to California to be with Trish and Frank. There she would be taken care of.  
  
She had been lost, crushed without him. She was getting better, stronger, day-by-day. But the sad look on her eyes was still there. And every morning before the sun was up, she would walk down to the beach to be alone, to be with him.  
  
She was alone. The baby inside of her all she had left from him. Hours she spent down on the beach, ignorant of the worried eyes that followed her from the house; Trish Burnett would never stop worrying.  
  
The sound of the ocean was calming, comforting. She let herself travel back in her memories, feeling alive only there when she was back with him.  
  
It had started out simply, as it should have been from the beginning. Years they had loved each other, but let everything to be on the way. Excuses. It hadn´t been easy to them, those years of being apart.  
  
That day, over a year ago, it was raining. The raindrops tapping against the windows, the thunder raging outside. And she found herself standing behind his door, and lift her hand to knock.  
  
Inside he had asked, almost ordered her much to her amusement, into the warm shower, and shaking with the cold, her clothes wet from the rain, she had agreed. And now she was sitting on his couch, wearing his clothes that were too big for her, but warm, comfortable, and most of all they were his.  
  
He sat next to her, his eyes dark with worry. "What are you doing here?" He asked, regretting the chosen words as soon as they left his lips. "I mean, why you are here all wet and cold?"  
  
She placed the steaming mug of tea on the coffee table. She knew she should say the words, just go ahead and say them.  
  
"I love you." The words had come from him. "That´s why you are here, to tell me that."  
  
She blushed softly, nodding her head. "Yes."  
  
He cupped her face with his hands. "I already know that Sarah. I have always known."  
  
She nodded again. Of course he knew. She knew he loved her too.  
  
"I also came to tell you that I want you in my life. I won´t accept excuses of not being ready, not being able to let go. Not anymore, Harm. I love you too much to wait any longer. We deserve this." She told him.  
  
And it was then when he kissed her. His lips crashing against her into a passionate kiss. And she kissed him back, with the same passion. Her hands wrapped around his neck, pulling him down on the couch with her.  
  
"You sure?" He pulled away to ask this, and she nodded. She was sure.  
  
After that night, her life had changed. And only for better. Loving him, and being loved by him was everything, and more, than she had ever dreamt of. She knew she could not be happier. That he was the one for her. Always had been.  
  
And he could only wonder why they had hidden behind all the excuses before.  
  
She had been wrong, though. Thinking she could not be happier, that she had been wrong. Months later she had realized she was pregnant. And he couldn´t wipe the silly grin from his face. And then he got the worried look on his face every time she felt sick, or left for work, or did anything at all but lie in the bed. He was annoying that way, and she glared and frowned at him, and he ignored her. But deep inside, secretly from him, she enjoyed it.  
  
And then came the day they were ordered in a case together. It had been only weeks since they had learned about her pregnancy, so no one knew. Her small baby mound only to visible to their eyes as she stood in front of the mirror and lift her shirt up. She did that often.  
  
She knew he wanted to go up in the air. His eyes glowing with excitement every time he was near the planes. He grinned at her, that flyboy grin she loved so much, and she nodded, sighing.  
  
"Go ahead, we'll wait here." She said softly, her hand pressing against her stomach.  
  
He leaned to kiss her gently; sure they were out of sight. And she lifted her hand to touch his cheek. "You and your planes." A small smile played on her lips.  
  
"Come on Sarah." He called her that when they were alone, and she loved it. "If we´re lucky, our son will join the navy like his daddy."  
  
"If _you´re_ lucky." She smiled. "Our _daughter_ will become a jarhead like her mommy."  
  
"God help me for that." He chuckled and placed another small kiss on her lips. "I´ll be back soon. I promise." His hand brushed against her stomach before he turned and headed for the deck.  
  
That was when she saw him for the last time.  
  
A scream of the seagull as it dove into the waves only to be back in the air seconds later holding a fish in its beak brought her back from her thoughts.  
  
She wiped the falling tears away with the back of her hand. God she missed him. The familiar ache in her heart made her let out a soft cry, and the baby inside of her moved again, and she couldn´t but wonder if the small baby understood what she was going through.  
  
The sun was hidden behind the grey clouds, the sky slowly darkening, warning from the closing storm. She shivered, but not from the cold. The anger, hatred and despair took over and she wanted to scream out her pain to the world. But she stayed quiet.  
  
What use it would be? Who would hear her cries? She had long time ago lost her faith in God. And she was alone at the beach.  
  
"Sarah!" She heard someone calling her name, and she turned around, surprised to see Trish running to her.  
  
She knew they were worried about her, that´s why she was there. And because it was the place where she felt close to the man she had lost. They didn´t pressure her, let her mourn for her lost her own way. But they did make her eat and rest, something she would not probably done if she had been alone. And she let them be a part of her pregnancy, watching as her stomach grew bigger. The baby was all they too had left from their son.  
  
They kept an eye of her, watching as she strolled along the beach every day since she had come there. They let her be. Frank exchanged a worried glance with his wife as she returned back to the house, eyes red with crying. But they hardly asked her about it. Only wrapping her in the tight, loving embrace and she never pulled off. And she was thankful of that. Sometimes she broke down, crying against the shoulder that was offered. And again, Trish or Frank only nodded when she said she was going to rest. No questions asked. She would tell them when she was ready. And for that, she loved them.  
  
"They found him." Trish said, her eyes clear with the unshed tears. Tears of hope.  
  
End of Part 2 


	3. Part 3

Author´s Note: Thank you all for the nice reviews, they are so much appreciated. Just keep them coming. -Lia

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She didn´t know the details, she didn´t even care. That moment where or how he had been found wasn´t important to her. All that mattered that he was alive. The drive to the hospital where he had been taken was slow. The baby moved in her stomach, causing her gasp every now and then.  
  
Her hand brushed against the swollen belly, calming the baby. The light rain had reached the city, cooling the hot summer air a little.  
  
She had taken a shower, changed clothes and forced to eat something before heading to the hospital. Not on her own choice. But she did understand. It would take hours before they would be able to see him.  
  
They arrived at the hospital, the driver parking the car in front of the main doors only to let the three passengers out. The crash of thunder was still a distant sound, but the rain fell from the grey sky harder.  
  
It wasn´t hard to find out where he had been taken. Several military persons swarming around, only to earn glares from the nurses as they passed by.  
  
Hours passed.  
  
She leaned against on her chair when the doors finally opened and the tired looking man walked to them. She stood up with great difficulties, ignoring the doctor´s gestures urging her to sit down.  
  
Over the hours in the waiting room her mind had been filled with questions, and now she couldn´t think any. She was afraid to know.  
  
"How is he?" Trish´s voice was shaking, her hand clasped tightly around her husband´s.  
  
"He´s alive." And that was everything they needed to hear. Rest of the doctor´s words never reached her ears as she started to cry.  
  
She was shown into his room, courage to go in when she hesitated by the door. She was told to speak to him, told he would hear her voice even he was unconscious.  
  
The room was dark even the curtains were pulled open. The closing storm hiding the sun. The sound of the machines monitoring his vitals were loud in the quiet room, but she didn´t mind. The steady beep told his heart was beating.  
  
She sat on the chair that the nurse pulled for her, and she glanced at her gratefully. But she wanted her to go away, to leave her alone with him, and yet she was afraid. The nurse touched her shoulder gently, told her she would be down the hall.  
  
And she was left alone in the room with the man she had missed so much. She reached to touch his beaten face, careful of the bruises and cuts.  
  
"Oh Harm." She whispered, tears falling down on her face.  
  
He lay still, his chest rising with every breath he took. He looked calm, the medication keeping him sleeping, without the pain. She kept caressing his face, her other hand founding his. And for along moment she just stared at him. As afraid he would disappear any moment.  
  
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Days passed, and he had only awakened a few times before slipping back to the deep sleep. But it was a good sign she had been told. She was ordered to get some rest, and she had ignored the orders from the frustrated doctor, keeping her position next to his bed, until she had felt the familiar hand on her shoulder.  
  
Admiral Chegwidden had pulled the CO card and sent her home to rest, offering to take her there himself.  
  
But she had returned.  
  
And then she had felt the first contraction. The baby was ready to come. She looked at the man sleeping in the bed, gasping as the pain shot through her body.  
  
"Wake up, flyboy." She hissed through the pain. "I need you."  
  
He didn´t respond for her pleads. And she couldn´t stop the tears that escaped from her eyes. "Wake up, Harm. Just wake up."  
  
End of Part 3


	4. Part 4

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And just as she left his room, glaring to the doctor and nurses who helped her, she heard the machine in his room; he flat lined.  
  
"No!" She cried, the same time the new contraction hitting with the force and she would have fall without the strong arms around her.  
  
She was gently pulled away. Away from the man who had lost the battle of the life and was dying. Another contraction made her cry out with physical pain. She was laying on the bed, ready to give birth to the new life. And the same time, the doctors worked to save the life of the man who would never see his daughter or son.  
  
She screamed, with pain and fear. And after hours, a crying newborn was placed on her arms, and she cried as well, kissing her son´s head. The child was taken from her only to be placed on her arms minutes later.  
  
He was sleeping now, wrapped in the light blue blanket. And for a moment she forgot everything, her thoughts only in her son. And she felt the love spreading over her as she watched him.  
  
The door opened quietly, and she looked up, a smile disappearing from her face. Admiral Chegwidden stepped closer, his eyes on the sleeping baby.  
  
"Sir?" Her voice was shaking, as if she would know what he had to say.  
  
"I´m sorry, Sarah." He fought against the tears but met her eyes. "I´m so sorry."  
  
She barely realized when the baby was taken from her arms, the nurse placing the sleeping boy on the small bed.  
  
"No." The word came out as a cry. "No. no. no. no. no."  
  
AJ sat next to her, stopping her from leaving the bed; she was too weak. But she fought back, crying, screaming, and finally giving up to the strong arms that were wrapped around her.  
  
She felt sick, stretching over the admiral and emptying her stomach on the floor. And she couldn´t stop crying, calling out his name.  
  
But it was no use; he was gone. At the same moment his son had taken his first breath. How unfair life was. He had been brought back to her only to lose him again. Finally her sobs stopped, her tears dried on her cheeks, and she pulled back from the arms of the older man.  
  
She glanced around, her eyes searching for the baby that was no longer in her arms. The door opened, Trish stepping in, holding the child, the look on her face mixed with the loss of her son, and the love she felt for her new grandchild. She gave the baby to his mother, their eyes locking for a moment, the wordless conversation passed between them. Only they understood.  
  
Sarah turned to look at the baby. He looked so much like his father, and she felt a lonely tear rolling down on her cheek. Without her noticing she was left alone in the room, the others standing in the hallway, giving the mother and the son time together.  
  
"I wish your father could have seen you." Sarah whispered softly.  
  
The baby stared at her, and she smiled a little. "He once said you would be called Daniel." She wondered if he was hungry and settled him on her breast. "You like that? You like that name, sweetheart?" Her voice was gentle, but sad.  
  
She was left alone with her son. Allowed to keep him close through the night. She watched at him in silence, knowing he would be like his father when he grew up. And maybe, she dared to hope, he would be there watching over them, like he had been doing during the months he had been away. In the darkness of the storming night, she promised to her sleeping son she would never let him forget who his daddy was.  
  
She closed her eyes and let the sleep come. And she dreamt of him.  
  
The End

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Author´s Note: Now, before you start to hate me and decide you will never, ever read one story from me again, let me say that there is an alternative ending for this story. So, if you didn´t like this one, let me know, and I will post it for you. And if you did like this, please tell me that too because I was really nervous when I decided that he´s going to die. Thanks again for reading, your feedback has inspired me, and maybe the next story will be more happy.

-Lia


	5. The Alternative End

Author´s Note: Wow! My inbox is full of emails from you guys. Thank you all. I knew that some of you wouldn´t like the ending, but I can´t please everyone, now can I? You who liked it and told me that, thanks so much! To the rest of you, hope this one is better for your liking.  
  
I didn´t write two endings to confuse you. I wrote the original one because sometimes I like to write angst, and there was a 'character death' warning in the beginning. This second one I wrote because it was in my mind. I just happened to like the first one better, that´s why this is called 'the alternative end'. And so you know, I am a shipper, some of you doubted that.  
  
Enjoy!  
  
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He didn´t wake up. And she was gently taken from the room, the nurses ignoring her glares as they chatted happily, encouraging the new mother-to- be to just hang on.  
  
She screamed, with pain and fear. And god how she wished he would be there for her. And after hours, a crying new born was placed on her arms, and she cried as well, kissing her son´s head. The child was taken from her only to be placed on her arms minutes later.  
  
He was beautiful, and he was wrapped in a light blue blanket. And she placed small kisses on his face, careful not to wake him. She knew she would love that child for the rest of her life.  
  
She felt weak, tired, but she called the nurse, asking her to take her to see the father of the small child. The nurse gently shook her head, telling her she should rest, and finally giving up, hiding her smile and shaking her head at her threats.  
  
Only a little while, she had been told, and the determined look on the nurse´s face made her nod. Only a little while, but it was better than nothing. She was wheeled in his room, and he looked like same he had hours before.  
  
"Harm." She said softly, reaching for his hand. "You have to wake up."  
  
He lay still, and she felt disappointed. She never had believed he would wake up when she asked, but there was a part of her that hoped he would. She shifted the baby in her arms in better position. "This is your son." She introduced quietly.  
  
The baby opened his eyes, and the let out a small cry. "I know, I want daddy to wake up too." She touched the small face.  
  
The nurse walked into the room, quickly checking everything was okay with the commander, more of a habit than anything else; the machines would inform them if anything changed. She then leaned down to look at the baby.  
  
"He´s beautiful." She said, and she really meant that.  
  
Sarah gave the last look to the man she so much loved before she was wheeled away. Just before the door closed behind them, they heard the machine beep, and the nurse turned back.  
  
And god how she wanted to go back too. But she couldn´t get out of the wheelchair, and even if she could have, she wasn´t sure if she was strong enough, and she would never have risk it, not when she was holding her child. He was only hours old.  
  
Time seemed to stop as she listened the sounds coming behind from the now closed doors. The baby was in the arms of his grandmother, being admired by anyone who walked by. And after what seemed to eternity to her, she was allowed in his room.  
  
His eyes were closed, but when she got closer, he turned his head and looked at her. And she couldn´t stop the sob escaping her lips.  
  
"Harm." She whispered.  
  
"Hey." He smiled tiredly. "What happened to you?"  
  
"What?" She was confused, all that mattered was that he was awake, alive.  
  
"Why you are in the wheelchair?" His smile disappeared, and he frowned. Had something happened to her?  
  
"She´s in the wheelchair because she just gave birth to your son?" Trish said from the doorway, and the small child let out a cry. "I think he needs his mommy."  
  
"A son?" Harm whispered, his eyes never leaving the small child that was placed on his mother´s arms.  
  
"Our son, Harm." Sarah said softly, moving closer so he would see him.  
  
He reached to touch his little hands. A wet tear dropped on his hand and he looked up to her. She was crying.  
  
"Hey." He said softly and pulling her closer. "Don´t cry."  
  
"I was so worried."  
  
He nodded. He knew.  
  
The nurse walked in, telling that it was time to go. Sarah shook her head, no way in hell she would ever leave him again. Never. "We´ll make some arrangements, and you will be moved into the same room. All three of you." The nurse promised. "But only if you do what I tell you now."  
  
"Go on." Harm told her. He didn´t want to see her gone, but she would be back. Soon. They both would.  
  
She leaned to kiss his lips softly, and his eyes fell closed. The pain medication helping him to sleep. And before the darkness fell that night, she was lying in his arms, sleeping peacefully for the first time in months, their son sleeping in his small bed next to them. He let out a soft sigh, tightening his hold onto her. He had suffered during the months he had been gone, and it would take a long time to heal. But now he was where he belonged, and nothing could ever take that away. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead, glancing at the sleeping child on her side, and only then, when he knew they were fine, he allowed him to sleep as well.  
  
The End  
  
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End file.
